FOREGOTTEN FILM: THE HIGH CRUSADE (1994)

Forgotten Films: The High Crusade (1994)

This is the 40th in my series of Forgotten Obscure or Neglected Films

I know there are some of you out there thinking “The High Crusade? They made a film of Poul Anderson’s wonderful novel of Norsemen who capture a spaceship and take on the aliens? And I did not know about it!”

Well, you can sort of relax. They really did not make that film. What they did do was make a mess and say it was based on Anderson’s work. And by mess, I mean, this is a real dog. Trust me here. If you got a sub-par junior high and found a group of misfits who thought they were the next Monty Python and told them to remake the Holy Grail with spaceships, you would get a better film.

The story has Brother Parvus (John Rhys Davies, who should know better) officiating at the wedding of Sir Roger (Ric Overton) and Lady Catherine (Catherine Punch) when a messenger from the Crusades in Jerusalem shows up pursued by Saracens. They are dispatched with a long bow and arrow (insert visual pun) and the messenger delivers his message that Jerusalem has fallen and that Sir Roger needs to gather men to go rescue it. Sir Roger is more than willing to go off questing even if it means leaving his wife on their wedding night. Insidious French bard Monsieur Louie (Michael des Barres) is more than willing to fill Sir Roger’s bed if need be.

Sir Roger and Red John (Patrick Brymer) are making plans when an alien spaceship arrives complete with aliens and laser weapons. The aliens are, of course, dispatched by longbow except for Branithar (Debbie Lee Carrington) who is captured by Red John. Sir Roger and crew want him to fly them to Jerusalem where the Saracens will obviously fall on their knees in fear and surrender. Branithar double crosses them and sends the ship home on auto pilot where they encounter more aliens, clones. Alien sex, explosions, butt ugly aliens, stupid dialogue, bad directing, awful plot holes, and terrible dialogue. You cannot imagine how bad this turkey is.

IMDB says the film is 100 minutes. My copy ran 88. I do not ever want to see the other 12 minutes if they exist.

I would love to see a good version of any Anderson novel, most particularly THREE HEARTS AND THREE LIONS or one of the Flandry pieces. I know you guys feel the same way.

Series organizer Todd Mason hosts more Tuesday Forgotten Film reviews at his own blog and posts a complete list of participating blogs.