Scrap the Remakes and Film These Books Instead

We saw an article on the brilliant io9 site with the provocative title Don’t Remake These 21 Movies, Film These Books Instead! This piece really hit home for us at Missions Unknown. We love great SF movies almost as much as we love great SF literature. Almost. You really can’t help being embarrassed as a science fiction fan when obscene FX budgets are plowed into the latest feature length remake of a shoddy 22-minute Saturday morning toy commercial. We like seeing things blown up as much as the next punk from Texas, but we tend to think plot weighs more than fireworks. With that in mind, we asked some of San Antonio’s SF notables to weigh in with the movie remake they feel should be scrapped in favor of a more deserving adaptation of real SF/Fantasy literature.

Sanford Allen

Cancel the new Tron Legacy…
Yeah, I’ll admit it, the idea of Academy Award winner Jeff Bridges drawling and duding his way through the almost-three-decades-too-late sequel to Tron, Disney’s stab at Cyberpunk Lite, does have its appeal. And — from its neon chopper chases to its art deco robo-dames — the movie does look pretty nifty. But do we really need to rehash that tired franchise any more than we need another fricken Transformers movie? (Hell, does it even qualify as a franchise? More like a mediocre regional chain like Carvel Ice Cream, come to think of it.)
…and replace it with When Gravity Fails by George Alec Effinger.
Look, if Hollywood’s going to throw money at ’80s cyberpunk, let’s go for the real deal: George Alec Effinger’s brilliant and underrated When Gravity Fails. Gravity was the first book of a trilogy that imagined a 21st Century future as gritty and grimy as anything Wm Gibson came up with, but then had the audacity to set it in the Middle East. To boot, a Middle East turned into a market of flesh, drugs and rock-n-roll that bears an uncanny similarity to Effinger’s beloved Big Easy. Wisecracking protag Marid Audran is a perfectly drawn street-smart fixer who’s regularly chewing on a wad of delicious trouble. On one page, he’s outwitting cyber-enhanced baddies, the next he’s working to stay on the good side of his stable of dope-fiend, hooker and transvestite informants. It’s exactly the kind of fun, smart and subversive stuff Hollywood avoids like the plague. But we can always dream, can’t we?

John Picacio

Instead of making films like Reign of Fire…
This one was a 2002 post-apocalyptic man v. dragon film, thick with plotholes, thin on common sense. It starred Christian Bale & Matthew McConaughey and plays best given half your attention so that you don’t realize how derivative it all is. Essentially, dragons return to ravage our contemporary times, and humankind doesn’t fare well. Enter post-apocalyptic scenario and feisty survivor protagonists fighting back from the edge of extinction. If you feel like you can connect the story dots from here, that’s because you can. The silver lining of this film: the dragons, or more specifically, the fabulous special effects and production work that make them terrifyingly real. It makes you wonder what could have happened if a richer screenplay had been attached, and that’s why I’d love for Hollywood to…
…Film the Age of Misrule trilogy by Mark Chadbourn.
The three books of this series, World’s End, Darkest Hour, and Always Forever, made their US debuts last year from Pyr. Chadbourn weaves an amazingly well-researched tapestry of the whole of Celtic myth as the ancient gods and monsters collide with our contemporary society in a spectacular collison made for the big screen. The characters are richly conceived, and the tales contain the kinds of formula elements that Hollywood scripts love (quests, high romance, aching tragedy, and big spectacle). The difference is Chadbourn’s narrative has a depth of historical research that few epics can match, and even fewer screenplays do. Even in distilled form, his story would make rich cinema. Possible dream team would be William Monahan (gifted research-loving screenwriter for Kingdom of Heaven and The Departed) and director Alfonso Cuaron (Children of Men). Guillermo Del Toro would go nuts with this kind of story material, but he’s busy with The Hobbit for the next several years. As much as I love Del Toro’s films, Cuaron’s films have an intimacy of character that might actually better complement this one, and possibly translate the humanity even better on screen.

Jeff from Hyperbubble

Instead of remaking Flash Gordon…
Besides a winning cast, ultra-fun set design and more spandex than you can shake a linebacker at, Flash Gordon had the KILLER soundtrack. It marked the moment Queen stopped putting “no synthesizers” on the back of their albums, went positively Moog-crazy, and never looked back. There’s talk of Columbia taking a shot at a remake. They might as well try to re-make A Hard Days Night.
…Film Time of the Hawklords instead
If it’s sci-fi fun with a synth-rockin’ soundtrack we’re after, how about a movie version of Moorcock/Butterworth’s Time of The Hawklords? British space rock gods, Hawkwind are the stars of the book, and they’re about as close as you’ll get to a real-life Spinal Tap. It shouldn’t be that hard to toss a movie version together: Get Hawkiwind to do the original soundtrack, and employ a flavor-of-the-day film fox to play the cosmic go-go dancer,Stacia. For added star power, get ex-Hawkwind member Lemmy (from Motorhead) to play…..HIMSELF!

Click on through…we’ve got plenty more!

BW Fenlon

Instead of remaking Conan the Barbarian…
Conan the Barbarian is slated for a 2011 remake. Instead of casting another Austrian bodybuilder in the titular role, the sandals will be filled by Jason Momoa, former Baywatch hunk and 1999’s Hawaiian model of the year. And while this may cut back on some of the lamentations of the women, we’re still left with a remake sans James Earl Jones, Mako, Sandahl Bergman and Max von Sydow.
…Film Joe Abercrombie’s The Blade Itself
The Blade Itself is the first in a trilogy by Joe Abercrombie. You want barbarians? This one is chock full of them including “the Bloody Nine,” a berserker more likable than Conan and twice as dangerous. It also features a crippled former hero turned torturer named Glokta who’s too much fun to hate, and a short-tempered wizard named Bayaz who would leave Thulsa Doom quaking in his boots.

Scott A. Cupp

Instead of remaking The Wizard of Oz…
I have heard that there are always plans to remake The Wizard Of Oz. Why would anyone in their right mind want to attempt this? It would be expensive with lots of CGI and everyone would compare it to one of the greatest movies ever made.
…Film Neal Barret Jr.’s The Hereafter Gang instead
Neal Barrett Jr.’s The Hereafter Gang is basically the polar opposite of Oz but still very fun. Our hero, Doug Hoover, cannot decide what has happened to him. Has he left Texas, gone to Oklahoma, or died? There is no Wicked Witch but there is this serene Cosmic Cheerleader Car Hop who may have never graced a Sonic drive in. There are biplanes and zeppelins, all the fun stuff that guys like. There are few explosions but the trip is one Thelma and Louise would never make.

Keep the tone of Barrett and you will have a winner that everyone will enjoy for years to come. Screw with his voice and you make a turd. The voice is everything in this film and it could be done well for a song and a dance.

Or, failing that, make Joe Lansdale’s The Nightrunners and everyone who got scared at Blair Witch, The Exorcist, Or Paranormal Activity will see what real horror is. Hospital emergency rooms will be flooded with heart attack patients who now know why everyone wants a Lansdale movie and why anything done will have to be toned down to about 2 on a 10 point scales and then you might still get the NC-17. I was going to say, let Tarrantino do a Lansdale movie but he sorta already did, stealing heavily from On the Far Side of the Cadillac Desert, With Dead Folks when he made From Dusk Til Dawn.

Pete Barnstrom

Instead of rebooting Spider-Man…
As of January of 2010, Sony announced that Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst would not be asked to return for a fourth Spider-Man movie. Speculation soon followed that there would be a reboot of the series as soon as next year, with (500) Days of Summer director Marc Webb attached, and perhaps starring a Twilight actor as a young Peter Parker.

Disregarding for the moment any need for a “reboot” of a film series started less than ten years ago, I’m ambivalent about funnybook adaptations in general. They rarely seem to translate to the screen, and when they do, it’s usually the more obscure characters that do it best. Blade, Hellboy? Yes, please. X-Men, Batman? Not so much. (I would restate here my claim that the most faithful Batman adaptation is still the Adam West version, but it always starts fights.)

So my request would be for Hollywood to keep its latest version of Spidey, and instead look at some more unconventional choices.

…Film Scud the Disposable Assassin instead
Rob Schrab’s Scud the Disposable Assassin has gotten close a few times (both MTV and Oliver Stone tried it), but now that Schrab is something of a Hollywood comer (he’s a creator of The Sarah Silverman Program and wrote Monster House), it might be time to let him do it himself. Not without reason, Alan Moore has never been too happy with Hollywood’s attempts at turning his stories into features (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, V for Vendetta, Watchmen), but his Tom Strong books, with their wholesome, jet-packed, Silver Age world of “science-heroes” and steam-powered robot butlers and super-intelligent apes, seem tailor-made for the big screen. And my own personal dream has always been to adapt Bob Burden’s absurdist, dada-influenced Flaming Carrot as an animated film. I can see the lunchboxes now, the atomic pogostick and stink-bombs on one side, Senator Babyhead and Death playing Jarts on the other.

Mike Fisher

Instead of reremaking the Planet of the Apes…
Instead of rebooting the Planet of the Apes franchise, why not use all of those dollars to start a brand new franchise?
…Film Bruce Sterling’s Schismatrix Plus instead
Someone please try to film Bruce Sterling’s Schismatrix Plus. Well, try to film a PART of it. I don’t think you could get the whole thing into one movie. A nice trilogy, perhaps? That series is full of cool cyberpunk ideas. And the necessary visuals would provide a healthy challenge for any special effects house! It’s been a few years since I read this great work, but I remember that with every turn of the page, Sterling pried my skull open just a little bit wider. I remember, in particular, “Swarm” — part of the Schismatrix Plus collection of stories — drove home the point that intelligence really isn’t necessary for survival. It’s a creepy story that totally blew me away. Put it on film!

And instead of making Transformers III, why not just find the biggest dump truck in town, fill it with auto salvage parts, and film it as it is driven at high speed over the edge of a tall cliff? I think the entertainment value would probably be equal to a third Transformers movie, plus it would cost a lot less!

Paul Vaughn

Instead of remaking Escape from New York…
Sure John Carpenter’s nihilistic future prison New York rocked my world in 1981 and it is pretty hard to watch now. It presented a possibility of a decayed and degraded society that we could easily imagine with the state of the world at the time, but that doesn’t mean Hollywood has to go back and remake it for today’s audiences. Leave it as the time capsule it is.
…Film Pohl & Kornbluth’s The Space Merchants instead
Frederick Pohl and Cyril M. Kornbluth teamed up to write two novels about a society that was completely driven by marketing, advertising and consumption. Corporations have taken over and governments exist only to help the corporations become more profitable. Sound familiar? The Space Merchants was published in 1952, but it hits too close to home and reads like a SF version of Mad Men. The main character is an advertising executive tasked with enticing people to emigrate to Venus. He soon finds out how tenuous life can be when he gets on the wrong side of the society he has been manipulating. I suspect the misleading title was aimed at selling the book to SF audiences, there is little space anything in The Space Merchants, but 1984’s The Merchant’s War does take us to the colony on Venus for a contrasting perspective. This satirical novel is just the kind of SF that can shine a harsh light on our own culture today.